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15 May 2011 @ 10:42 pm

Be warned I have an attitude right now and I'm gonna use it.

So you fucking little bitch, you think you have the right to say "Wow I can't believe this is happening....but certain things you just have to do." and then "Lost a friend. It's a big deal since that's never happend to me. I guess it was just an experience, I've learned from this."? This is such bullshit! You didn't have to do anything!!! I appologized for something I didn't even know I did! I never said we couldn't be friends! I offered to stay friends on a more casual level too! You didn't fucking "lose a friend" you let one of your best friends go over something I didn't even fucking know I did wrong!!! You said I broke your trust but I never went against anything you said!!!! You won't explain to me what I did but you said yourself you understand that I don't know what I did wrong! This is a big deal since you've never lost a friend before?! I've lost many friends!!! I've been left behind by best friends at least 2 other times and left behind by just friends so many times I've lost count! Lastly I'm just some experience?!?!??!!?! What the actual fuck!?!?! I'm a FUCKING EXPERIENCE! I was your best friend and twin for over a fucking year!! We were there with each other for the VERY BEST DAY OF BOTH OF LIVES!!! You were there through most of the BEST DAYS OF MY LIFE!!! Does that mean NOTHING to you?! Was our friendship nothing to you?! How can you pretend like things weren't amazing when they were good! I can't fucking believe you!!!!! I know our friendship most of the time was bumpy but the good times were so FUCKING AMAZING I thought they could outshine any bad parts along the way. An also what friendship isn't bumpy?!  Maybe we didn't have the healthiest friendship but I don't care because it made me happy, and it seemed to make you happy too.

I dealt with a LOT of shit I didn't like about you because I loved you like a sister and I could deal with all your flaws because I know that no one's perfect! But the ONE FUCKING TIME I mess up that's it? You give up!?! Again I say I CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE YOU RIGHT NOW!!! You are the most selfish person I've ever met but I dealt with that! You did things I didn't agree with but I dealt with that! But when I go and try to do something nice for someone apparently I break your trust when I didn't even know I did and you CAN'T HANDLE IT?! SUCK IT UP AND CONTINUE BEING MY FRIEND LIKE I DID FOR YOU! I tried soooooo hard for you! I gave you everything I had! You were fucking tied with my best friend of 6 years! That's how much effort I put in for you! But I guess I would have always been in second for you. You didn't need me like I needed you. You probably never would. But I still tried! Just hoping maybe you would put in the same effort!

I'm really gonna fucking miss you. I already do! I don't know how I will move on from this because I can't just replace you! I'm gonna miss all our late night chats during the summer staying up untill 6am talking about Kristen and Taylor and all the other stuff we talked about! I'm gonna miss when we would text each other fangirling over new pictures or whatever it happened to be. I'm gonna miss checking up on how your acting is going and being able to share excitement with you when something happened for me or you. I'm REALLY GONNA FUCKING MISS going to all those Kristen events with each other like we ALWAYS DID!

I don't know how this is going to work in the future. We are bound to run into each other again, what then? What happens when we see each other at the Breaking Dawn premiere this November? We share mutual friends that will be there. What are we going to do? What if you end up going to the MTV movie awards and I end up a seatfiller and we see each other? What happens when eventually we go to other Kristen premieres and see each other because let's face it there aren't many fans that go to those things and there won't be any way to avoid each oher. Are you going to ignore me?

What do I do about all the things that remind me of you? Everytime I see a picture from the Eclipse premiere I think of you. Everytime I think of Halloween I think of you.  Everytime I think of that candy I think of you. Everytime I think of the mtv movie awards I think of you. Everytime I think of The Yellow Handkerchief I think of you. Everytime I think of AIM I think of you. Everytime I think of Jay Leno I think of you! Everytime I think of that mall I think of you! Practically any time I think of Kristen I think of you! I think about you all the time!

In some ways I wish you would hurt. I wish you would REALLY hurt and cry and regret this decision. I wish you would realize you've made a huge mistake and then come crawling back to me to beg for my friendship back. I wish that I could let you hang on to that little glimmer of hope before crushing it and refusing to be your friend ever again. But more than anything I just wish you would change your mind and ask if we can still be friends because I still love you and I can forget everything thats happened and move back into being friends if you can.

Current Mood: crushedcrushed